A small bird married a big bird

It is so short, really. Just three typed pages, staring up at me. Yet, I have to force myself to read the lines, turn the page, read more. I’m a reader; three pages should not be difficult to read. But when I have to read what seems like the same three pages over and over again, correcting what seem to be (because they are) the same mistakes over and over, it becomes an agonizing task.

Yes, it’s back to grading essays. I’m trying to grade 20 a day during the three-day weekend here.  Doesn’t seem too bad, right? Twenty minutes per essay, so about six and a half hours total per day. But that’s only if I worked straight. For me, after each essay, I have to do something to make me want to continue living. And depending on how terrible the essay just read was, that can take some time. That could mean making a cup of coffee and eating a cookie. Or painting my toenails. Or stepping onto my patio to remember that the world is still spinning. And since I really do want to continue living, I take my time with these things.

What you get to see here are the highlights of those essays. Now just imagine reading pages upon pages of this rather incomprehensible stuff (whether because of language or logic problems), and you just might start to understand a little bit of what it feels like to be me at this moment. Well, in order to fully get the picture, imagine yourself trapped in a room with a couple hundred teenagers who don’t use full stops until they’re sure you’re thoroughly confused by their lengthy run-on sentences, as they try to trick you into thinking it’s the run-on that makes their ideas confusing, not the fact that their ideas are ridiculously (and thankfully at times laughably) illogical. (My own lengthy sentence there was a little sneak preview.)

And here are some of those gems culled from the last two days of grading. These are from essays written about either academic freedom or AIDS, although one is from an essay about tobacco companies. Commentary could not be avoided, of course.

Rural areas people have got nothing which can make them to be busy such as entertainment as a result they concentrate on sex as their source of entertainment.

[So glad I live in a city where I can keep busy. Otherwise, I’d be having sex. And that’s not as entertaining as going to the movies. Clearly.]

Heart disease is regarded to be an important disease especially if it results into stroke. Stroke is deadly it paralyses the delicate body parts.

[Although strokes are known to elevate heart disease from the 'important' to 'super important' disease category, I hope never to have a stroke because I absolutely adore all of my delicate body parts and would like to keep them in working order.]

For example, a lecture may weed students on personal grounds not on academic context.

[Yes, on my personal grounds, I like to weed students every few days. It keeps them from getting too rooted and pesky.]

On every problem there is a solution, a small bird married a big bird.

[What?] [Seriously though: what?!] 

[Okay, true, as a child I did think about marrying Big Bird because he’s big and feathery soft and yellow (yes, before I started hating on the color yellow), but I’m not sure I ever thought it would solve my problems. Then again, what problems did I have at six? And if any of you are thinking, ‘Didn’t you have a slight speech impediment that older kids made fun of at that time?’ you’re no longer my friend. See, this is what happens when lack of logic sentences appear in the middle of essays; I get completely sidetracked by illogical thoughts of my own.]

This could help to avoid avoidable expenses e.g. instead of buying learning materials to educate people, the money could be used to drill boreholes for example.

[Good to know that while I’m teaching, this student is sitting in class thinking, ‘What a waste. I could be drilling boreholes right now.’ That puts an extra spring in this teacher’s step!]

For example, the vaseline handed hand can easily break condoms.

[Does this one even need commentary?]

Youth of these days are sexually active and they think the only way of having is by having sex, so they end up being pregnant (for the girls) impregnating (for the boys).

[Soooo glad I’ve been taught that girls get pregnant. I’ve been wondering about that for years.]

They [girls at puberty] are taught how to treat and satisfy men, how to take care of themselves and other traditions a woman should know like how to cook well.

[Well, hello there patriarchal world! I thought I’d left you for a moment, but here you are again, shoving your misogyny in my face. Step back away from me, please…keep stepping back…just a little farther…keep going…]